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 The Idiot Box
  I am staring at my TV set, eyeballing the blinking screen when I am suddenly
  awashed with curiosity about its gender. Let's say a bolt of Hollywood lightning
  strikes the set and it suddenly gets some new form of life!

  You know what I am saying, you've seen it plenty of times on TV itself. So in
  this event, what would your TV be, a man or a woman? Let's examine some
  arguments in favor of both.

  The Male argument
  Of course, all TV sets are going to be like men. They are made by men which is
  why they have names like Bazooka and Matrix. The mentality of the TV set is
  so intrinsically male. It just sits there with images flashing through its mind.
  Some are recurring, like the BayWatch trailer, which incidentally merits a trailer
  for itself. Other images are changed sooner than an MTV moment, like an
  advertisement for an ointment for cracked heels.

  Incidentally, this application is completely safe for diabetics... as if people are
  looking for sugar free ointments to smoothen their cracked heels! Physically,
  the TV set is very male. It's bulky, like a man after five beers and a 12-inch
  pizza, but before the burp. Like all males, it has a vital appendage without
  which there is no fun. The remote control !

  Without this all important phallic extension, TV sets would just be a box, a
  machine without purpose, a stagnant prop where dust and pollution could meet
  and exchange pleasantries. Finally, all TV sets are male in spirit. They can be
  'turned on' in a second. Also, numbers are important words for a TV. Males
  want a 2000 watts PMPO TV, with a 100 channels, a 56 inch screen, and a 24
  hour timer from the 200 key remote. Any more numbers and it would be a
  separate branch of mathematics. And who better at maths than men? In a
  testosterone world, modesty is a disposable virtue.

  The Female argument
   Now let's switch perceptions and look at TVs through the eyes of the women's
  liberation movement. Now, the TV is a young girl called 'Candy' and she is in
  your hall, complementing the ambience with its bright color. Of course, the set
  belongs to the female species. How could it be anything else? A machine that
  takes years to say something that could be said in 30 minutes can only be a
  happy woman.

  Incidentally, The Bold & the Beautiful is still trying to tell its story through the
  strength of plastic surgery, well cut clothes and two cameras. Like a woman, a
  television set is a great face to decorate. It will always have some fabric or
  mat placed over its top, like a saree covering the head. Maybe a decorative
  object is placed on it to make it look attractive. Certainly, these are the marks
  of a woman. And to replace substance with style, the TV sets are now with flat
  screens.

  Bulky TVs are getting the full body treatment and are coming out slimmer,
  sharper and sexier. No more bulging stomachs or obtrusive rear ends. There has
  never been a better time for a TV set to be a woman! So I stare at my TV
  some more, trying to understand my question. I know for sure the TV set is
  now a member of the family. It talks as much as anyone, it can comfort like a
  friend, it can irritate like a sibling and it can preach like a parent. Is it a mother
  to me? A brother to you? Maybe a spouse too. It's there everyday and every
  night, and like the eye that cannot see itself, it gives vision, without having
  sight.

  Ultimately, it may not be a male to some or a female to others but to most of
  us, it's a member of the family. So, the next time I accept a party invitation, I
  think I will arrive along with my TV set.